Depressed ramble: Dysphoria

“Will I ever be who I want to be?”

Hey guys and gals, it’s Logy here. I’m going to be doing a bit more of a somber post than I usually do; I’ve been feeling awful today, my dysphoria has been acting up, plus I’m stressed about going back to school. I usually try my hardest to be ray of sunshine to those around me, but some days the sun just doesn’t come out, rain clouds obstruct it’s view…

I though it would be a healthy coping mechanism if I got my thoughts and feelings out there right now. This is 100% a ramble, I’ll try and avoid spelling mistakes or rambling on too much, but I can’t promise anything at this point.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know where to start…

I guess I’ll just start by talking about my overall mental state. Last year I tried to commit suicide, I got put into a suicide watch ward until they decided that I was “feeling better”(Bullshit btw). I think this simple act, shows you all how bad my mental state was at the time, I will say, my life is much better than it was back then, but honestly that’s not saying much.

Also for the past 3 years I’ve been nearly constantly depressed, I’ve tried everything therapy, medication, taking my mind off things by indulging in hobbies, etc. Nothing works, It only helps you forget your pain for a short period of time, before it’s back to doing things you hate and getting depressed. That’s the cycle of life…

Life makes me want to curl up and die sometimes, if I’m being honest. It feels like it’s me against the world and that I’m constantly in a losing battle.

As I stated before, I sometimes indulge myself in my hobbies to forget about my problems, but even my hobbies can’t always be a safe place for me…

…Enter Gender Dysphoria!

GENDER DYSPHORIA:

“the condition of feeling one’s emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one’s biological sex. “

Gender Dysphoria is really hard to deal with; Vicious thoughts bombard me from the deepest darkest corners of my psyche (Don’t worry I’ll relate this back to my hobbies in a little bit). I constantly have awful mean spirited thoughts attack my fragile mind, such as “You’ll never be a girl” “You’re a freak” “You’re never going to be happy like this” “You should just off yourself” etc. These thoughts never leave, if anything they get worse, but doctors don’t really know how to help me deal with them at this point, so they just kinda leave me to fester this hate and malice for myself.

How does this relate to my hobbies? Well it relates to them in 2 ways. Number 1, a small but vocal portion of people who share my interests are actual bigots, that hate anyone different from them, for example I’ve been told to “enjoy rope” and “to add myself to the 41%”(Which is a reference to the transgender suicide rate), I would like to state though, most people in the fandoms I’m in are actual chill and super helpful, plenty of them have helped me get through depressive episodes, so please don’t judge everyone in those fandoms. Number 2, this is a very specific case, but it made me actually stop playing a game because how bad it got; In Tales of symphonia: Dawn of the new world(Which is a fantastic game that I don’t want anyone judging) there are some lines that sparked up my dysphoria BAD, this isn’t the game’s fault, but it’s unfortunate because it made me actually stop playing the game due to how it affected me.

I related a lot to the main character of the game, Emil. I saw a lot of myself in this character, so I kinda latched on to him as my “self insert” for the game. Problem is, everyone in the game keeps telling Emil to “Man up”, “Be a Man”, etc. It really fucked with me while playing, so I stopped playing the game. I want to state again, this isn’t the game’s fault, it just sucked because I couldn’t continue playing it due to it sparking up my Dysphoria.

On a different note, I’ve also got really bad body dysphoria, when it comes to my weight, but that’s a story for another day…

Tying my Dysphoria to my Depression

While it is certainly NOT THE ONLY thing that makes me depressed, it is certainly a huge factor. Wanting to be a girl more than anything else and then constantly feeling like you’ll never be who you want to be, hurts, like a lot…

…Enough to cut yourself, like I have in the past.

Conclusion

I think I’m just gonna end it off here

Thanks everyone for listening, I might make this an ongoing thing on my blog if I find that it helps me. I love you all…

Logy out!

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